We're real parents now, or...

How Rebecca almost failed discharge class...

Provocative title, no? So Rebecca and I are taking the last steps toward bringing Thomas home. One of those steps was this morning, the dreaded and feared baby CPR and Discharge class. I wasn't really sure what we were going to cover exactly in 2 hours that would properly prepare us to be qualified to be parents. I remember taking CPR years ago and it taking many hours, so I was a little skeptical that we would be taught enough to really be effective, especially in an hour.

Class started at 10, of course society's rules and timelines don't apply to super parents like Rebecca and me. We were approaching the hospital from 2 different directions, Rebecca fitting this class into her work schedule. At 5 til 10, we were on the phone to each other, telling the other that we might be late and to get started without the other. At 10:15, we both arrived in the parking lot. At 10:20, we were met at the reception desk by the CPR instructor and escorted to the class room, where 5 other people and 7 plastic CPR babies were waiting patiently. Very good start.

The approach to cramming 8 hours of CPR knowledge into 1 is fairly sound. They don't ask you to memorize anything. They have a very simple step by step sheet that they want you to keep with you to refer to in a time of need. The specific instruction is to actually thumb tack the sheet to the wall in the nursery. I'm not sure the instructor understands or cares about nursery decoration and presentation. Given the wide audience that goes through the course, its taken to a very basic level. Since I'd taken CPR before, I knew what was going on and was sitting back thinking how easy this is. To get us all involved, the instructor had each of us read a step title or description. I went first, nailed it, perfect diction. Then Rebecca's turn. We're going to be the star couple, parents of the year, they're going to totally forget that we made the whole class late. Then Rebecca reads the wrong step, then tries to correct herself and reads another wrong step. Crushing defeat. Rebecca was lost after step 1. Actually, she got a little confused with the layout of the sheet, but it cracked me up.

That's ok, we can rally. As we were reading the steps, we also were practicing with our CPR babies. Rebecca, all dressed up for work, was wearing lipstick. This made the baby look like it had very haphazardly applied lipstick. I made a very humorous observation to Rebecca, which made her laugh, which in turn drew a disapproving stare from the instructor. Strike 3! As it turns out, there was no test, just a couple run throughs and our xerox copies.

The second part of the class, the discharge, was also fairly innocuous. I guess the hospital is in an awkward position. They can't really tell you what to do, they can only suggest and recommend. Once you leave the hospital, you're left to your own devices. So there was a lot of that, general advice and non-specific instructions. I think I was really looking for more of a "these are the steps you will take to leave, this is what you can expect in the first 24 hours, the first week, etc." I know every baby is different, but there is a commonality that I would think should be pretty standard by now. In consulting, every business that we deal with claims ultimate uniqueness. There are always a set of core processes that can be identified. Then you're left with quirks and nuances that are much easier to deal with in isolation. Anyway, that's the way I'd do it, but nobody likes a know-it-all consultant.

In the end, there was no gauge of our comprehension or our ability to parent. Not even a certificate I can frame for my wall. Despite Rebecca's attempts to get us disqualified, we were all given the thumbs up and a notation was made in Thomas' medical chart. You'll just all have to check back in 18 years to see whether the hospital made the right choice or not.