Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Fears at 5:30 in the morning

I was awoken this morning by thunderstorms at the very early and rarely seen hour of 5:30 am. I know what you're thinking, there's a 5:30? I pride myself on rarley seeing anything on the southside of 7 and well up with significant pride that Thomas follows strong in my footsteps. Of all of my own dad's wonderful traits, rising early to get a good start on the day somehow was blocked in my DNA. Perhaps in future years and generations, scientists will conduct studies and come up with cures based on this significant break in heredity that I have experienced. Until then, don't schedule any early morning meetings with me.

Anywho, I couldn't get back to sleep and laying in the dark, my mind wandered to a subject that sometimes creeps into my head and I try to push out, because there are some things that may never happen, things that if did happen you can't control or both. Its one of those moments when you start thinking or overthinking scenarios and taking them to their worst cases. Maybe that's why I like to watch cartoons, it keeps out the voices. Enough set up and context I guess.

What I was thinking about was how happy and innocent Thomas is. I mean, he's exceedingly happy. Happy to play, happy to read, happy to explore, happy to be alive. He 's just uncontrollably enthusiastic. You can especially see it when he gets around other kids. We're in the middle of one of those big milestone moments in our lives and his. We're trying to figure out and find a mothers day out/preschool for Thomas, probably in the Fall. He's developing great, but still behind in some areas. So we have to find the right fit for him. He's basically spent his whole life in our presence and the idea of leaving him somewhere else, left to well meaning but potentially less dilligent people is daunting and obviously a concept that Rebecca doesn't relish. I've for the most part been ok with it, because I know Thomas needs to grow and become independent and some day be embarrassed to be within 5 feet of us. Such is life. It's not as severe as shoving a bird out of a nest to make it fly, but it's what has to happen.

The thought that I usually try not to imagine, but can and did get stuck in my head this morning was that first moment when someone takes his innocence away, when he isn't able to immediately bounce back and see the world through his optimistic eyes. My biggest concern is that inevitable moment when some other kid takes away his enthusiasm, is mean to him in some way. I hope that moment is minor, that he will have the inner strength to persevere and rise above. I hope I'm there to protect him, but I hope I'm not there to react or overreact. I don't want him to be picked on, or bullied, or made fun of, or ignored, or his friendship not reciprocated, ever. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Thomas is really such an amazing and awesome person and part of my life.

Well, anyway that kept me up for a while. To top that off, a morning sports show I listen to had a very tough segment that tied into my already awkward thoughts and mood. It's not a happy story, but there is a good message in it that reinforces the importance of the big picture, something that I always try to keep in mind, to somewhat limited success. I encourage you to click on the link and listen to the story, but it is a difficult story.

I apologize for kind of being heavy after such a long absence. But the thunderstorm and story got me thinking and I thought it best to write it all down. I hope all is well with whoever is out there. We're doing great.