A Good problem

Its Sunday night, Thomas, Rebecca and I are all home. I had to scoot out of town Friday and got back this afternoon. In the meantime, Thomas got his release papers Friday afternoon. I had hoped it would work out and I got the word on my way to the airport. Friday morning, Thomas was really starting to come around. He stopped completely rejecting the idea of a bottle and took 30 ccs for me. Rebecca and her mom took over as I ran home to pack and mercifully, they let Thomas go home.

A curious thing happened sometime in the last couple weeks, between the 2 surgeries and the recoveries, Thomas became a mama's boy. Its not something I've talked about much here, because its been a very raw subject for Rebecca. A shortened pregnancy, 6 months in the NICU and the need for both of us to work has been very tough on Rebecca. Despite an amazing ability to put forward a strong front for the public. she's always expressed a disconnect with Thomas, afraid that he didn't see her any different than the nurses or the nanny. I always argued against this, because I could see Thomas respond in very unique ways to Rebecca. But despite my best efforts, Rebecca would blow off my observations, believing that I was only trying to make her feel better (I did want her to feel better, but I told the truth). It was very difficult to witness and just that much more difficult for her to go through. Its been a weekly, sometimes daily discussion and more often than not led to tears.

I don't know if others who have had to watch their child raised in a NICU feel a similar disconnect. Rebecca always said that she lost a bond with Thomas because he was taken from her early. I can logically argue all I want as to how bonds are constantly forming and evolving, but this is an emotional thing that isn't easily resolved by reason.

Its a weird thing, because as a father, traditionally speaking, we're not afforded a defined nurturing role. As much as you may want the whole thing to be a partnership, in the end, its not quite equal. You're not the mother and you can't present any sort of argument to the contrary. I've found it to be frustrating and difficult to relate to Rebecca. Probably, because as a father, I have no choice, the bond I create with Thomas is defined in the actions I take and my ability/willingness to be involved with his life. So it has always been difficult for me to relate to something that she's not sure she has, when I'm not afforded it in the first place. I don't know if that makes any sense or just came off like a psychology text book, but it felt good to write it, so there.

I have always known, never doubted, that Thomas knows Rebecca and me above all others and that he loves us, as much as an infant can love. I believe Rebecca knew it as well, but nothing about what we've gone through is normal and so there is always that constant pang, what did we miss? How is this different than what it would have been under normal circumstances? Thomas has decided to change the paradigm a little bit. He has become extremely clingy to Rebecca. Especially this weekend, he's now most content in her arms and reaches for her when he sees her, even if MeAnn is already holding him. Rebecca is taking great joy in it (we'll see in a week how much fun carrying Thomas is at all times). Its really cool to see.



I don't think there is any such thing as normal when it comes to pregnancy, child birth or child rearing (hence all the grossly inaccurate and/or generic books that are available for your enjoyment), but at least for the moment, I'm very happy that Rebecca feels like a "normal" mom.